BiMate: Neil Hudson

Neil Hudson was one of the winners of the Cake Awards at BiCon 2002

Take a seat and introduce yourself.
I lived in Reading for eighteen years, or rather I was undead in Reading, because no one can truly be said to live there. I then went to university in Norwich to read mathematics. It turned out I was supposed to write some as well, particularly in exams, so I left, and did enough temporary jobs to fill an “about the author” page, before moving to Rosedale to live with Anne, the light of my life, who is proof-reading this survey.

First Bicon was 1992, which was probably about when I started writing my fondly forgotten pieces for Bifrost. My own zine Bike Immunity News was conceived at Bicon in 1995, and born painfully a year later. First hat was a trilby in 1988. Although Breton caps are the default, I have also flirted with Hassidic Goth, and a beret, which I gave up as too many strangers were singing “Happy Talk” at me in the street.

Which Olympic sport (current or wished for) could you represent your country in?
I have no intention of representing this country in anything. Rather like its government.

What’s the best collective noun for bisexuals?
I could never decide if we were the rainbow community or just a bit of a shower, so I suppose a rainbow shower.

What’s your favourite film?
Wet Rubber Games is fine but the overdubbing’s crap, so I suppose it would be Leder und Latex Exesse.

When did you know you were bisexual?
I’m not, I’m an asexual who sleeps with men and women as well.

What’s your favourite sexual memory?
I can’t remember, I was drunk. By the way, my zine is not expensive. (See the listings on page 10. Happy now? – Ed)

What’s your favourite thing about being bi?
When you’ve had enough you can give it up and be straight for the rest of your life.

What’s your favourite sex accessory?
I recently discovered that if your penis enlarger isn’t big enough, you can put it inside a bigger penis enlarger, pump the air out, and add inches to it. I’ve been experimenting with other uses for this. Puppies can be grown into full-size dogs within minutes, you can make your clothes bigger if you’ve put on weight, and curries can be enlarged to serve more people (there’s a passage in the Dead Sea Scrolls about loaves, fish and a penis enlarger, but it hasn’t been properly translated yet).

Incidentally, if you pump air into a penis enlarger, you can shrink your penis, but this isn’t widely advertised by the manufacturers.

Who do you respect most in the world?
I respect everybody in equal proportion to the respect they have for me, but they have to start.

What/who has inspired you the most?
There was a radio programme in the eighties called “In One Ear” with Clive Mantle, Nick Wilton, Helen Lederer and Steve Brown, and it made me think, “one day I’ll have my own radio comedy programme”. And now I work in a charity shop. Makes you think.

Which historical person would you most like to meet?
George W Bush. I just want him to become a historical person rather than a contemporary one.

What makes you smile?
A sincere and determined effort not to. I am seldom invited to funerals.

What is your most unlikely-to-be-fulfilled sexual fantasy?
Actually I’ve just about fulfilled them all … the threesome with Siouxsie Sioux and Rob Newman was always a bit optimistic.

What should people try?
Changing their minds.

What are you most proud/ashamed of?
Proud: I was asked to do a BCN survey.
Ashamed: I filled it up with facetious crap.

What about your life would most surprise your 16 year old self?
I think being able to see seventeen years into the future would be surprise enough.

Neil was quizzed by Jen Yockney