M’s Bi Sex & The City
Hello and welcome to the new relationship column of BCN. Following the success of the various relationship-skills and sex-skills workshops at the most recent BiCon I thought I’d start a regular section covering this from a bi perspective. Each edition I’m planning to deal with a different issue, for example: meeting people, flirting, managing various types of relationship, dealing with break-ups, having kids, and, of course, all the different types of sex.
What qualifies me for the job of writing this? Well I could claim that it’s my academic training in psychology and counselling, but really I think it’s my experience. Although I’m fairly new to the bi community, I’ve had lots of relationships with many different kinds of people: bi, straight, gay, poly, monogamous, SM… And I don’t intend to write this alone. I’ll be calling on friends, lovers, relatives and you, the bi community at large, for suggestions of topics to cover and advice about what works for you.
I guess my vision is to be the bi version of Carrie from ‘Sex and The City’ (hence the title of the column). If you’ve never seen this show, don’t worry: I’m about to provide you with a taster. For myself, I have a love-hate relationship with the series. On the one hand, it generally gives the traditional message that we should get and keep a partner and not indulge in any kind of ‘abnormal’ sex in the process. On the other hand, the show could be seen to celebrate friendship over romance, to at least put various kinds of sexuality out there for debate, and the character of Samantha must be the first promiscuous woman in mainstream media who is presented in a positive light and never comes to a sticky end (unless she wants to of course!)
Carrie is a journalist for the New York Times who writes about a different aspect of sex every week, based entirely on the people she and her friends are dating at the time. Let’s look at what Carrie and her gang have to say about bisexuality in the episode ‘Boy, girl, boy, girl’ (Series 3). Carrie’s just started dating a younger guy who used to go out with a man. She asks her friends to advise her on this over brunch… they conclude we’re all greedy, indecisive kids who like experimenting, following the crowd and – um – ice-skating. But hey, we’re good kissers!
Those of you who attended Katy’s bi stereotypes workshop at BiCon will probably find some of these ideas very familiar. However, the rest of the episode does challenge a few of the tired old assumptions. When Carrie assumes that her guy is constantly trying to pick people up she asks him whether he’s checking out the man or the woman standing at the bar, and he says ‘I was just looking for the bathroom’. And when she finally gets the message and says ‘so you’re not gay?’ he says ‘I’m not gay. I’ve been in three major relationships, one happened to be with a guy OK? That’s just me…Could you stop making this all about sex. It’s not you know, it’s about the person. You. I’m crazy about you.’
Of course the real reason you should watch this episode is for the moment when Carrie kisses Alanis Morisette during a typically bisexual game of spin the bottle. But that’s another story.
I’m not sure how well I’ll fit into Carrie’s shoes here. For a start I’m much more likely to wear New Rocks than I am Malono Blahnik’s. And I don’t live in a city, although I will be moving to the Big Smoke in December. Plus I like to think I’m more of a Samantha than a Carrie (try-sexual, hehe!) But I do have a Mac lap-top and a fascination for relationships, sex and the way it all works. Perhaps I’ll do OK.
If you want to make any suggestions for issues you’d like me to cover in this column please email me at
I can’t promise to reply to e-mails personally, but I will try to take suggestions on board. I’m also keen to receive e-mails responding to topics I have covered, or ‘advice page’ type letters, which I could print and respond to at the end of the column. Please say whether you want me to use your real name or a pseudonym.