Some Definitions

What it means to be bi

As you can see from these definitions, what bisexuality actually is is not a simple matter. It’s certainly not something that bi people themselves, or academics who write about bisexuality, agree on. Over the next few pages you can read what being bi means to some people who’ve chosen to adopt that label. In the pages of BCN you can read in more detail about these debates. Meanwhile here are some of the key things to think about.

Gender and Bisexuality
If heterosexual means being attracted to the opposite sex and homosexual means being attracted to the same sex, then bisexual means being attracted to both right? Well that’s certainly one common definition, but it has been questioned both inside and outside bisexual groups.

Some people have pointed out that the terms homosexual and heterosexual were only invented back in the mid 1900s. Before then it didn’t make sense to define people in terms of their sexual behaviour or which gender they were attracted too. In some cultures it still doesn’t. There are many different possible ways we could define our sexuality, for example we could divide people in terms of whether they enjoy being penetrated during sex or penetrating or both, whether they prefer sex with people who are in a less powerful position than them or more, or whether they are attracted to one person at a time or more than one.

Some people have also questioned whether there are really just two genders. Several cultures consider there to be three or more. In our society babies are defined as boys or girls as soon as they are born and those who are ambiguous in some way are given surgery so that they appear masculine or feminine. However, a lot of people don’t ‘feel’ that they are simply a man or a woman. Some people change from one to the other during their lives, others identify with some aspects of one and some of the other, or neither. Maybe being attracted to ‘both’ doesn’t make sense because there are a rainbow of genders including transgender, tomboy, drag queen, butch woman, metrosexual man, androgynous, etc.

This might explain why some people prefer to define bisexual as being attracted to people regardless of gender rather than being attracted to both genders.

Attraction and Bisexuality
Being bisexual doesn’t necessarily mean that you are simultaneously attracted to men and women. Many people talk about the kind of person they’re attracted to varying across their lifetime or even over the course of a day! It also doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re equally attracted to men and women. Some bisexuals might be much more strongly attracted
to one or the other and still be more comfortable with the label ‘bisexual’ than ‘gay’ or ‘straight’. Finally, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to have had sex with both men and women. When I first said I was bisexual I got some very negative reactions from people who said I couldn’t be bi unless I’d had sex with a woman, and the term ‘bi-curious’ is often
used rather negatively towards people who haven’t had what Brett Anderson called ‘a homosexual experience’. We should remember that we don’t say someone isn’t heterosexual until they’ve has sex with someone of the opposite sex! You can be bi if you’re only sexually active with one gender (which many people in monogamous relationships are) or indeed if
you aren’t sexually active at all.

Bisexual continuum?
Back in the 1940s, Alfred Kinsey came up with his famous scale of sexual orientation, finding that many people did not fall simply at either end of the spectrum. This scale explains why you might hear bi people calling themselves a ‘Kinsey 2.6 and counting…’

Fritz Klein’s later model incorporated the idea that people could move up and down this scale rather than being stuck in one place on it forever. However, other people don’t like the idea of a scale at all because it still defines people by which gender they’re attracted to (the same or the opposite).

Nature or nurture?
Some see bisexuality as something they were born as and/or something based in their biological make-up. Some see it as something they learnt to be as they grew up. Some feel that it would be impossible for them not to be bisexual even if they didn’t want to be. Others see it as a deliberate choice they have made: a label they have adopted or a political decision they have made to be sexual with both men and women or to not choose partners on the basis of their gender.

Behaviour and identity
Finally, some people see being bisexual as something they are whereas others regard it as something they do. A person can have sex with men and women, or be attracted to both, and still prefer not to call themselves bisexual, perhaps because of biphobia (see page X) or because they are more comfortable with another word (gay, straight, queer, dyke…) And, as
we’ve seen, a person can call themselves bisexual without acting bisexually (whatever that means!)

Some wear bi badges which say ‘assume nothing’ and some argue for a complete escape from labels and boxes. Some like the word ‘queer’ which can be used to express a desire to challenge the idea that people are either male or female, gay or straight. Many of us feel like we’re making up the rules as we go along.

For some people being bisexual is the most important aspect of their identity, for others it isn’t as important as other things about them or their sexual preferences. Many people are attracted to men and women without feeling the need to join a bi community. On the other hand, many people feel part of a bi community without defining as bi. 15% of people who came to BiCon 2004 weren’t bi themselves.

Whatever your reason for using the word ‘bisexual’, or feeling affiliated in some way without claiming the term, is fine with us. If you don’t find your experiences reflected in this booklet then please write and let us know so we can include them next time!

Meg Barker

A Few Famous Bisexuals

Angelina Jolie - Who says she only plays women who she’d like to date.
David Bowie - During the 70’s he was the most famous bi in the world, and an inspiration for many to be out and proud. Shame he later decided it was a phase.
Neneh Cherry - A mother and rap singer who has talked openly and positively about her bisexuality in interview.
Hanif Kureshi - Writer of, among others, ’The Buddha of Suburbia’ - a very wonderful bi novel and TV series.
Lou Reed - Now married to Sylvia, Lou had to endure ’shock therapy’ as a youth, when his parents tried to ’remove’ his homosexual urges. Lou has brought us with his solo work and with the Velvet Underground, songs
celebrating alternative sexualities such as ’Walk on the Wild Side’ and ’Venus In Furs.’
Tom Robinson - Though he long identified as gay, Tom’s life history is bi and he has played at a variety of bi events from the bisexual tent at London Pride to several BiCons. His outlook is very positive towards all sexualities. Check out both his bi information website, http://www.bothways.com/ and his personal site http:// www.tomrobinson.com/
Vita Sackville-West - A member of the ’Bloomsbury’ group of writers and a lover of Virginia Woolf’s. A woman
who lived a bi life to the hilt and then let the world know about it through her diary.
Pam St Clements - Acclaimed as a ’dyke’ the EastEnders star actually came out as bi in the early 1990s.
Skin (from Skunk Anansie) - Singer for the acclaimed metal band and now solo performer. She’s forthright, aggressive and sexy as fuck.
Alice Walker - Though it may have been largely edited out of her films, most of her books, including ’The Colour Purple’ and ’Meridian’, have positive bi characters in.
Virginia Woolf - For her role at the centre of the Bloomsbury group, and for her books including ’Orlando’ (see film section).

Coming out

‘Coming out’ to others - telling them that you are bisexual - can be an important way of finding your place in the world and becoming comfortable with your sexuality. Some people see the use of labels as limiting, whilst for others they are a valuable form of self identification.

Coming out ‘of the closet’ defines the moment when you become honest with others and yourself about your sexuality – coming out to yourself, confronting your own personal fictions and removing the need to distort the truth about your personal life can be a liberating moment!

Your own situation influences whether it is necessary or desirable to come out to others – not having to bend the truth or hide a same sex relationship are good reasons to reveal your sexuality. However, your sexuality is a private matter and regardless of legal protection and equality it may be politically or otherwise unwise to come out everywhere.

Assuming you’ve decided to come out to someone, congratulations! There is no better time to come out than the present. Similarly to many other life events, coming out is a process improved by a little prior planning. Most importantly, you should plan for the worst but hope for the best. Approaching
coming out to those you are dependent upon for work, money and accommodation with a little more care than to others can be advisable.
The setting when coming out is important – people assume a tragedy if sat down and told to expect something significant; choosing a moment and setting when the person is relaxed and casually slipping into conversation your attendance at a bisexual event is less liable to provoke a shock.
Likewise, although annual occasions such as Christmas gather people together, there are stresses at that time that make it a less than ideal moment to reveal anything serious, never mind your bisexuality!

Try to place yourself in the viewpoint of the recipient – once the initial shock has worn off, they will want to know the implications for your relationship with them. For friends the implications may be fairly minor whilst families are likely to have questions about relationships, marriage/partnerships and children.

Having ready answers to questions, and pointers to bi-friendly literature, websites and phone lines can be a great help to some people, and guiding them in this manner helps reduce the possibility you will be assessed as exclusively gay. Stress that you’ve considered this and are certain of your bisexuality, that you want to share this part of your life with them, but that fundamentally you’re the same person they’ve always known.

Given your own personal judgment and the increased tolerance of society, reactions are likely to be good. A few jokes are to be expected (and you can laugh at them!) or in some cases the revelation the person is also gay or bisexual – it’s not unknown! More severe reactions, particularly amongst family may need a degree of sensitivity and patience. Give people time: you’ve had a lifetime to understand yourself, but it’s still news to them. People often reject out of hand whatever they’re unfamiliar with and may need a little friendly correction on their perspectives on relationships and other bisexual stereotypes.

Confidence can be built up by coming out first to those you know will respond the best, or have little to lose if it goes wrong. For instance, starting with known bisexuals, people you chat to on the Internet and friends you are sure will be sympathetic before moving onto other friends and family – coming out is easier each time. Do bear in mind that the grapevine may spread your news prior to coming out in some cases!

Coming out needn’t be a big deal - many people are openly gay or bisexual nowadays. With increased public awareness it’s unlikely those around you will find you frightening or alien - you’ll just be like a celebrity or friend they already know. Often they will already have inklings and will now be overjoyed to share more of your life, loves and general gossiping!

Come out, don’t come out or reveal yourself to a few. Identify as bisexual, something different or reject labels altogether. Choose what’s right for you and your life, and by doing so find your place in the world.

“It’s Just A Phase” - and other nonsense

When you come out to people as bisexual there are a whole range of responses you may encounter. We can’t possibly imagine every single one, but here are some of the common negative ones and some answers to give.

1. “Bisexuality doesn’t Exist”
It would be ridiculous to say that bisexuality doesn’t exist – after all, plenty of surveys suggest that a significant number of people behave bisexually at some point in their lives. Whilst this stereotype doesn’t deny bisexual behaviour, it is based on a simplistic understanding of sexuality, where people are viewed as being basically straight or gay. According to this ‘either/ or’ view of sexuality a bisexual identity is impossible

2. “Bisexuals are emotionally immature and don’t know what they want. It’s just a phase”
Are bisexuals confused or just going through a phase? Certainly some bisexuals find their emotional lives complex but that’s also true for non-bisexuals. Ironically, this stereotype is often expressed by gay men and lesbians who have themselves had their sexuality dismissed ‘as a phase’. Some people do go through a period of attraction to more than one sex before identifying as straight or gay, some people go from being attracted to one sex to being bisexual and others recognise and embrace their bisexuality from a young age.

3. “Bi’s are promiscuous, they want sex not commitment”
The idea of bisexuality as promiscuous is clearly judgmental. Not only is it underpinned by a negative attitude towards sex, with the implicit assumption that sex without commitment is necessarily wrong, it also misrepresents bisexuality. Bisexuality is much more than sex. It involves emotions, desires, and relations. It may not even include sex!

4. “Bisexuals can’t be monogamous”
Bisexuality isn’t significantly different from other sexualities. Whether straight, gay or bisexual, people engage in a range of relationships and lifestyles. Some bisexuals have committed monogamous, some have committed non-monogamous relationships and some bisexuals are celibate.

5. “A bisexual man will always leave you for a woman, and vice versa. You can’t trust them.
Relationships come to an end for many reasons. It is always difficult when a relationship ends because one partner has met someone new but the pain isn’t necessarily determined by the gender of the new partner. As with all of the stereotypes, there are certainly occasions when bisexual men have left their male partner for a woman, and vice versa. Similarly, there are
many happy bisexuals in committed same sex relationships. Underpinning this stereotype is the assumption that bisexual people are unable to commit to a relationship with a member of the same sex, which is simply not true.

6. “Bisexuals spread HIV”
HIV and other STIs do not discriminate against groups of people. They are transmitted through unsafe sexual practices and all people who engage in unsafe sex are at risk of acquiring HIV and other STIs. Simply identifying as bisexual, or being in a relationship with a bisexual person, will not increase your risk!

7. “They’re closeted married men, or ‘swingers’.”
Yes, ‘closeted’ bisexuals do exist, as do many closeted lesbians and gay men. Indeed, the fact that so many lesbian, gay AND bisexual people are forced to live their lives ‘in the closet’ demonstrates the oppressive nature of a society where heterosexuality is privileged and other sexualities are marginalised. Some ‘swingers’ may behave bisexually and some may identify as bisexual but there isn’t necessarily a link between ‘swinging’ and bisexuality.

8. “Bisexuality is a cop out”
This stereotype is based on the assumption that bisexuals are really lesbians or gay men who pass as heterosexuals to avoid discrimination and, consequently, weaken the lesbian and gay political movement. Whilst this may be true of some bisexuals, it is also true of some lesbians and gay men, who pass as heterosexual. Adopting a bisexual identity is definitely not a cop
out, indeed, bisexuals who come out face the possibility of discrimination and hostility from all quarters.

9. “Bisexuality is a fashion statement”
Like so-called ‘lesbian-chic’; bisexuality goes through periods when it receives a lot of media attention and features heavily in popular culture. Celebrities, particularly female celebrities, tell the stories of their sexual exploits. However, to say that bisexuality is little more than a fashion statement or trend is to deny the lived everyday experiences of most bisexual people.

10. “Bisexuals are nicer than other people”
Although more positive than the other stereotypes, this is still a stereotype and is therefore a generalisation. Bisexuals are real people and are capable of displaying a range of human traits, both good and bad. In fact, bisexuals are just like anyone else really!

These are just a few of the stereotypes you will hear about bisexuality. There are many more. However, remember that there is no such thing as a ‘proper’ bisexual. Your bisexuality is unique to you. Embrace it and Enjoy it!

Allison
(These stereotypes are derived from Udis-Kessler (1996) ‘Challenging the Stereotypes’ in: Bisexual Horizons London, Lawrence & Wishart Ltd)

Books about Bisexuality

Bisexuals Horizons, ed. Off Pink Collective Covering the UK bi community with: theory; representation; personal stories; HIV, AIDS and safer sex; and politics. For info on Off Pink (http://bi.org/~OffPink/), write to
them at 24 Shandon Road, London SW4 9HR
Bisexual Lives, ed. Off Pink Collective First-person accounts from bisexuals on their lives. Frank and revealing. For more info on Off Pink see above.
The Bisexual Option, Fritz Klein The book that introduced the ’Klein Grid’ for sexual orientation. A serious study of the prevalence of bisexuality.
The Buddha of Suburbia, Hanif Kureshi 70s-style sexual experimentation and bisexual longings. See also TV
The Colour Purple, Alice Walker A black woman growing up in the 30s leaves her brute husband for a bi woman.
Interview with a Vampire Anne Rice Tamed down for the film is the copious bisexuality of several of the main characters. Anne Rice also wrote a set of poly-perverse SM porn books under the pseudonym A.N. Roquelaure.
The Left Hand of Darkness, Ursula Le Guin A science fiction novel set on a planet of bisexual, hermaphroditic beings.
Macho Sluts, Pat Califia Lesbian SM guru weighs in with some sexy stories. ’The Surprise Party’ particularly leans towards bisexuality.
Orlando, Virginia Woolf A ’sex-change’ allows Woolf to disguise bisexuality in sheep’s clothing.
Sexing the Cherry, Jeanette Winterson Fiction with a bi central character (also wrote ’Written on the Body’).
Vice Versa, Marjorie Garber Weighty, confusing and confused tome on bisexual theory and practice. Very useful for reference material though!

Bi Voices

Being bi has never really been an issue for me or those close to me, but other
peoples assumptions really annoy me. People tend to think I’m gay unless
they know I’m with an opposite-sex partner, and then they assume I’m
straight, which makes me feel invisible. But then, when I say I’m bi, they
assume I’m into threesomes and have open relationships. When they realize
that’s not the case, they sometimes seem to think my sexuality’s irrelevant
since I’m not ‘doing anything about it, and that I should stop ‘going on about
it.

The UK bi community has been really important to me in the last couple of
years. Before I went to bi events, I thought they would be full of ‘people just
like me’. What I found out was that the bi community is really diverse. I
actually haven’t met that many other people in exactly the same situation as
myself. But everyone has always been very open and welcoming. It’s a
small community and you soon get to know people once you get involved.
And its great to have a place where, for once, you don’t have to explain
yourself.

Helen (29), Bedfordshire.

What Next?

So you’ve carefully read this guide, come out to the people you feel comfortable with, and written in to BCN telling us how to make the next edition even better, now what do you do?

Contact Your Local Group
Whether it’s a real-world group with regular meetings, or an email network for your area, meeting other bi folk can be really good for improving your sense of self as a bi person.

Go To BiCon
It’s the biggest event of the bi year and it’s the best place to meet a really wide cross-section of the bi community. You’ll make plenty of new friends and be in a brilliant space for exploring what it is to be bisexual around lots of people who understand where you’re coming from.

Bi Community News
Last but by no means least, subscribe to BCN. It’s the best way of keeping in touch with what other bi people around the UK are up to. So without further ado, here’s a subscription form.